16 February 2011

Barbers Gossip; Blogger Listens

I went out to get a haircut yesterday; and after checking that my barber understood what I wanted done with my hair, I told him to do his stuff while I treated myself to a midday nap. The haircut itself was uneventful. The chatter among the barbers was.

“Tunay ngang pinapainom ng sukâ ang bibe bago gilitan?” That was one of the idle barbers asking the one doing my hair. How can one nap properly when one hears a silly question like that? But of course I kept my eyes closed, even though I was intrigued by how my barber would respond.

“Ay a-wan…” my barber replied. Curious, he asked the idle barber, “Bakit naman sukâ?” Oo ngâ naman, I thought to myself even as I enjoyed the feel of my barber’s scissors nipping away at the edges of my hair.

I had heard of goats and cows being made to drink vinegar, but bibe…???

“Para daw madaling bunutin ang balahibo,” the idle barber explained, not realizing he was answering a question he himself had originally asked. “Bakit hindî na lang buhusan ng mainit na tubig?” my barber volunteered. For those who have never seen a chicken being manually dressed – and let us not even dwell on the irony of the term “dressed chicken” – this is how it is done when a chicken is stripped of its feathers.

“Ay hindî kasi natagos ang tubig sa balahibo ng bibe!” Kayâ? I tried to visualize the idle barber’s explanation inside my head. Well, ducks do float on water; albeit, I never had reason before yesterday to figure if the flotation is due to the duck’s feathers or the fact that the duck kicks at the water with its webbed feet underneath the surface.

Actually, I must confess that I also still have to find a chicken who will actually try to do a duck thing; i.e. swim on a pond of water. Of course, the overwhelming curiosity to the idle barber’s theory is how vinegar can actually soften up the duck’s feathers for plucking. I would not know! I am a chicken man. I do not eat duck.

While we are on the subject of chickens and ducks – and before we return to the barbers – let us digress for a while to this silly joke I cannot help but tell about these two avian species:

Papaano mo raw malalamang may luko sa sabungan? Kapag raw may nagdala ng bibe…

At papaano mo raw malalamang may tanga sa sabungan? Kapag raw may pumusta sa bibe…

Finally, papaano mo raw malalamang may dayaan sa sabungan? Kapag raw nanalo ang bibe…

But this is just me… To now return to the barbers…

The previous day was, as everyone knows, St. Valentine’s Day. The idle barber was in a gossipy mood. After the duck discourse, he was joined by three other idle barbers. My eyes remained shut; but I could tell from the voices that there were already four of them.

Apparently, idle barber went on a double date with one of the other idle barbers. “Eh-eh…” idle barber kidded the other. “Akbay agad sa babae eh!”

The other barber could not – naturally – resist the chance to embellish his image among fellow barbers. “Ako pa!” he boasted. What he said later – and he was narrating a scene inside a darkened movie house – I cannot tell you. This is a wholesome blog.

My eyes remained closed. My ears were, however, wide open.

At any rate, when the two barbers got tired of bragging about their amorous adventures inside the movie house, they started discussing the adventures of others. There was this couple, one of the barbers narrated, who was so sweet in the bus they could have attracted a whole hive of bees or ants.

“Mga batâ pa?” one of the barbers asked. “Hindî,” the storyteller replied. “Parehong may asawa na.” Aba ang galing, I thought to myself, eyes still closed. Although it seemed from the way he was narrating the story that he did not personally know the couple, he had already come to the conclusion that they were just on an illicit tryst.

“Bumabâ sa may kanto ng Baletê,” the barber continued. “Bago maghiwalay, sumenyas ‘yung babae…” My eyes were closed, so I naturally did not see what the gesture was.

But then, one of the other barbers clucked his tongue. “Tsk! Galing na ang mga ‘yun sa hotel.” My eyes nearly burst wide open by themselves; but I somehow managed to keep them shut. What in hell could that gesture have been?

“Oo ngâ,” the storyteller agreed, “galing na sa hotel ‘yun.”

At that point, a couple of customers arrived and the cashier had to determine which of the four gossips was to be assigned. Pity! That broke the group up. I would have loved to hear what other sleazy stories the gossips would spin. Especially since none was aware there was a blogger with his eyes closed next to them pretending to enjoy a midday nap.








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